Friday, March 18, 2011

Almost time.

It's almost that time again. The time when I wipe tears from my eyes because I find myself thinking about her.
Almost time to try to forget the horrific images I have ingrained in my memory of the day the accident happened.
Time when I reflect on all the good memories I have of her. All the funny memories.

Like the time when we were driving down a busy street and she took the turn a little too fast and her car door flew open which resulted in her purse flying out of the car and plopped onto the middle of the intersection with all her loose change and dollar bills blowing into all the other oncoming vehicles. She just kept screaming, "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, what do I do?" All the while her car door was still wide open and she continued to drive down the road. I screamed back, "Shut your door and pull over!". Then I had to run into the street to get her purse and gather up all of her personal belongings, shoving them back inside her purse as I tried to dodge vehicles who wouldn't stop for me to accomplish this task.

It does bring a smile to my face now, just thinking of her and her clumsy things she would do.
Who is she, you ask?
My Mom.
My beautiful, wonderful, caring , loving Mom.
She was killed in a car accident on April 6, 1996. I saw her die. Right before my eyes, I swear I saw her spirit leave her body.
That day was the most traumatic day of my life. However, it was also one of the most beautiful experiences of my life. I was the last person that she ever saw before she entered into the afterlife. I was the last voice she ever heard. I knew in my heart of hearts that  she was gone, killed instantly. The last words I said to her were, "Mom, it's ok. I'm ok, it's ok." Those were the only words that I could manage to say. I have heard that when a person dies, the last thing to go is their hearing. I wanted my Mom to know that I was ok. I wasn't injured. She could go in peace knowing that her daughter was safe and alive.
A few short days after her death, I had a strange kind of peace about her untimely death. I thought to myself how special it was for me to be with her during her death. She brought me into this world and I was able to be with her when she left this world.

April 6. It's only a few short weeks away. During the early years of her death, usually around 2 weeks before the Anniversary date I would start getting anxious. My Husband will tell you that I was not a person he would want to be near. I would have crying fits, my temper would sometimes become volatile, I would be in a deep state of depression. It was just an awful 2 weeks for me and for anyone else around me.
It wasn't until my Daughter was born that I was able to view the Anniversary in a different way. You see, my Daughter was born in April. She was born on April 26. My life had come full circle for me the day she was born. Instead of dreading the month of April, I now had a reason to celebrate. I celebrate my Daughter's birth, I celebrate the fact that I am a Mom..... of 3! I celebrate that I'm alive and I was able to give life!
I now understand how much my Mom loved me. It is truly a blessing to be a Mom. For me, it's an even more special blessing to be a Mom of a Daughter.
Don't get me wrong, April 6th is still an emotionally difficult day for me, but I try to make the best of it. I choose to remember how she lived life and not how she died.
So yes, it's almost time.
Time to live, time to love, time to laugh. It's time.

Linking to:
Creative Girl
Hodgepodge Friday


  1. Thank you for this, Jae. I remember very well when your brother, Jon, called to tell me Mama Martha had died. (I was working as a nanny in Paradise Valley and Jon had left a voice msg to call him, that he had something "really important" to tell me.) I had no idea til now that you were there, too! I only knew that she died in a car accident. How painful for you, Jae. But, you´re right--it was good that you were with her in her passing. I, too, know what it is like to watch someone you love die. I watched both my grandfather (who was my only father at the time) and my precious little 7 year old nephew die of cancer. It is shocking to the body and mind. When Baby Andy was dying, I felt sick--like I might throw up, so I ran to the bathroom. The tears wouldn´t even come at that moment because I was in such shock. In both cases, I watched these special loved ones take their last breaths. It was HORRIBLE, them dying so slowly. I am glad for you and your family and your mother that she died quickly. Of course, I like to comfort myself by thinking that Baby Andy was already taken out of the pain of his earthly body by God and His angels, even while he was still physically there for us. Your mom really was one of the nicest ladies ever. She was the mom everyone always wished was theirs. She always made me feel welcome and at ease. She had a really special gift of making people feel like that. She raised two GREAT kids, you and Jon. In turn, you are both raising more great kids. I am so, so sorry you dont have her with you now, in person as she is in your heart. I am also assured, however, that you will be together again one day according to God´s promise. I know that, for you as well as for me and my family, it will always hurt until that day. But, there is hope, too, of the pain becoming lessened with passing time, allowing us to focus more on the happy memories. Maybe the pain is also a reminder of how much we love them still. Strange how it all works. Who can ever understand?
    Much love, Synidie (in Germany)

  2. PS Our anniversary is coming up, too. Baby Andy died April 9, 2009. He was seven years old.

  3. I found you from the creative girls blog hop. This post is so touching. I'm so sorry for your mother's tragic death, but praise God for the joy April now brings!

  4. Hi stopping by from Friday blog hop
    That was a very touching post and it made me tear up as well. Thank you.

  5. Oh Jae! This is so heartbreaking AND heartwarming. So full of saddness & soooo full of love! I had so many emotions reading this. I didn't feel like it was a post but instead a glimpse into you & your heart. Thanks for sharing with us! It is truly beautiful.
    Love to you!

  6. Thoughts will be with you today and on April 6th. Hugs

  7. Thank you all for your kind words. As April 6th approaches, I try to stay positive and keep my life full of love and happiness.

  8. Jae - the body has cellular memory. That trauma can come back and you re-live it during anniversaries, as you described. But, you are also making new wonderful memories in April, that helps tip the balance away from the tragedy. Thank you for sharing this story. What strikes me is how you see can still recognize the power of that moment through all the pain. That is a gift. :) Sarah


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