The Generation Gap

I did something a little unconventional this past week.
It is something that I have been meaning to do for years, literally.
I wasn't exactly sure what to expect and I didn't know if it was a good idea or not, but I wanted to try it.
So, what did I do?
I took my toddler son to go visit residents at a nursing home.

When I was a child, it was called an "Old Folks" home.
I remember my first ever visit to  the "Old Folks" home when I was a child, around the age of 7 or 8.

 You see, my mom was a nurse and she used to work for a nursing  home when I was a child.
She would take me to work with her sometimes. I'm not exactly sure why she did this, but I can recall being scared to death the first time I ever went to the home with her. There were all these elderly people sitting around either watching TV, playing board games or just sitting in their wheel chairs staring out the window.

This was such a foreign place to me. I had never seen so many old people together in once place before.
I didn't like it. I didn't want to stay, I wanted my mom to take me back home.
She didn't take me home and I ended up staying there for her full shift.

I was very shy, I sat down in the cafeteria trying to hide. I didn't want anyone to speak to me, or to even look my way.
Of course I couldn't hide. There I was, a little girl with long, perfectly fixed braids in her hair, with huge brown eyes taking in the sites and smells of the place.
 My mom  introduced me to the residents and then she told me to go play checkers with one lady, so I did.
I can't remember too much more about that day, but I do remember that I left that day with a smile on my face and it gave me a really good feeling inside.  .

I returned to the nursing home many times after that first  visit. I would play board games, take someone for a walk, eat lunch with my new "friends" and sometimes I wouldn't do anything, I would just sit quietly and listen.
That's all they wanted most of the time, was to have someone listen. They wanted to be noticed, to be validated and I provided that for them.
It was a great feeling and I was happy that my mom introduced me to this new world that I never knew existed.

 When my oldest was just a baby, 6 months old, my husband and I traveled to Nebraska to visit his dying Grandma. When we walked through the doors of the nursing home with my son held tightly in my arms, I remember the look on the residents faces as we walked the corridors. It was a look of joy. I saw their eyes light up and I remember thinking that it was the same look that I would get when I would visit the nursing home as a child.
The women wanted to hold the baby and when I handed over my son to one lovely lady, it touched my heart. It made me happy to know that for one moment I could make someone's day. Make them feel loved.
I wanted to continue visiting nursing homes with my son when I returned to my home, but I never made time for it.

 This brings me back to my visit this past week with my toddler.
It was now or never. My youngest son is at the perfect age for us to start visiting nursing homes.
I contacted a local nursing home and let them know that I wanted to come by to visit some residents with my son. The activity director was overjoyed with this news and made arrangements with me to visit during their weekly activities session.

 So, on Wednesday, we went to the nursing home and it turns out, I had nothing to be worried about. We had a great visit!
My son was very shy at first, he clung to my leg and didn't want me to leave his side.
Slowly, but surely he warmed up to the crowd. He walked over to the TV and started to fiddle with the different buttons, he caught his reflection in the mirror and examined himself for a few seconds before moving on to something else. Finally, he  found an exercise ball and started to throw it around the room. He played "Peek a boo" with one grey haired lady and he jumped up and down and made silly faces for everyone and we all laughed.
 I'm not certain that everyone was happy to have a little toddler running around the facility, but for the most part I think he was a hit!
I can't tell you how full my heart was that day. It was a full circle moment for me.
My mom would have been proud.
I will continue to honor my mom's memory by taking my son for weekly visits to the nursing home.
It's the least I can do to close the generation gap.
I encourage you to get out there and do what you can to put a smile on someone's face.
After all, wouldn't you want someone to do the same for you when you're 99?

It's OK, I'm OK.

I find myself repeating this mantra a lot lately.
My life is busy, sometimes chaotic. I deal with depression on a daily basis, I don't know if depression is a result of some things that happened to me when I was a child, if it's because an imbalance in my brain, or if it's delayed postpartum depress, no matter where it stems from, I know I can't let depression keep me down.
I'm a Mom of 3, I'm a wife,  a friend, a Daughter, Sister and Aunt.
I'm going through a lot of emotional chaos right now.
Am I complaining? I suppose some could view it that way.
I'd like to think that  I'm just  venting.
I live in a rural area, I'm not around any other adults much during the day, so sometimes I guess I do speak without thinking that maybe it could come out as a complaint or frustration.

However, the goods news is that I am aware of this. I'm tired of losing friends and pushing family members away.
I have made a vow to work on myself, my patience, my complaining and just being an overall better person.
It's going well, so far, at least I think so.

Life isn't easy, I don't care who you are. It's never easy.
It is what we make of it and I'm not sure if the upcoming New Year has made me reflect on all these issues I need to work out, or if it's just life in general that has made me contemplate these issues  and made me want to do and be better. What ever the case may be, my children, my husband, family and friends deserve a better "ME". So, I'll give it to them.

Life goes by way too fast and I want to try to enjoy every moment of it that I can. 
When I lost my Mom 16 years ago  in a car accident. I turned to her and I knew in my heart of hearts that she was already gone, but I was hoping that she could somehow be able to hear what I had to say to her. Those words were, "Mom, it's ok. I'm ok." Those were the only words I could force out of my mouth. My mind was spinning but I wanted her to know that her daughter was going to be OK.
So when I find myself in the midst of chaos or when I'm feeling overwhelmed, I'll repeat those words as a reminder that everything is going to be just fine. "It's OK. I'm OK".

Shoe Make Over

Back in May, my Daughter and myself attended an annual Mother's day tea.
The theme was to come dressed as your personality.
After giving much thought to this, I decided that I would be the "Queen Bee" and my Daughter would be a "Honey bee" because she's such a sweetie.

We had fun decorating our hats with flowers & bees. We both wore black & yellow dresses, but we still needed some shoes to match our outfit.

At the last minute, I decided to do some fabric flowers and glue them on our shoes.
We didn't win a prize for our theme, but I was very happy with the overall outcome.

Linking to:
http://makingtheworldcuter.com
http://sewcando.blogspot.com/2011/08/mid-august-craftastic-monday-link-up.html
http://singingthreelittlebirds.blogspot.com/2011/08/inspire-me-monday_15.html
http://itsablogparty.com/show-me-how-8-15-11-frosting-for-the-cause/

Almost time.

It's almost that time again. The time when I wipe tears from my eyes because I find myself thinking about her.
Almost time to try to forget the horrific images I have ingrained in my memory of the day the accident happened.
Time when I reflect on all the good memories I have of her. All the funny memories.

Like the time when we were driving down a busy street and she took the turn a little too fast and her car door flew open which resulted in her purse flying out of the car and plopped onto the middle of the intersection with all her loose change and dollar bills blowing into all the other oncoming vehicles. She just kept screaming, "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, what do I do?" All the while her car door was still wide open and she continued to drive down the road. I screamed back, "Shut your door and pull over!". Then I had to run into the street to get her purse and gather up all of her personal belongings, shoving them back inside her purse as I tried to dodge vehicles who wouldn't stop for me to accomplish this task.

It does bring a smile to my face now, just thinking of her and her clumsy things she would do.
Who is she, you ask?
My Mom.
My beautiful, wonderful, caring , loving Mom.
She was killed in a car accident on April 6, 1996. I saw her die. Right before my eyes, I swear I saw her spirit leave her body.
That day was the most traumatic day of my life. However, it was also one of the most beautiful experiences of my life. I was the last person that she ever saw before she entered into the afterlife. I was the last voice she ever heard. I knew in my heart of hearts that  she was gone, killed instantly. The last words I said to her were, "Mom, it's ok. I'm ok, it's ok." Those were the only words that I could manage to say. I have heard that when a person dies, the last thing to go is their hearing. I wanted my Mom to know that I was ok. I wasn't injured. She could go in peace knowing that her daughter was safe and alive.
A few short days after her death, I had a strange kind of peace about her untimely death. I thought to myself how special it was for me to be with her during her death. She brought me into this world and I was able to be with her when she left this world.

April 6. It's only a few short weeks away. During the early years of her death, usually around 2 weeks before the Anniversary date I would start getting anxious. My Husband will tell you that I was not a person he would want to be near. I would have crying fits, my temper would sometimes become volatile, I would be in a deep state of depression. It was just an awful 2 weeks for me and for anyone else around me.
It wasn't until my Daughter was born that I was able to view the Anniversary in a different way. You see, my Daughter was born in April. She was born on April 26. My life had come full circle for me the day she was born. Instead of dreading the month of April, I now had a reason to celebrate. I celebrate my Daughter's birth, I celebrate the fact that I am a Mom..... of 3! I celebrate that I'm alive and I was able to give life!
I now understand how much my Mom loved me. It is truly a blessing to be a Mom. For me, it's an even more special blessing to be a Mom of a Daughter.
Don't get me wrong, April 6th is still an emotionally difficult day for me, but I try to make the best of it. I choose to remember how she lived life and not how she died.
So yes, it's almost time.
Time to live, time to love, time to laugh. It's time.














Linking to:
Creative Girl
Hodgepodge Friday

Some random stuff

We went on a family bike ride about 3 weeks ago. The weather was gorgeous and we rode about 4 miles. It was my first time using the bike trailer to bring baby along.

 All went well, except for the one wipe out I had when a 9 year old kid crashed into me which in turn made me crash and fall off my bike. It was quite a site to see.

I was fine and the only one I was really worried about was the baby, but he was unharmed.

The boys' parents apologized profusely and I just smiled and dusted myself off.

The day before our bike ride, Hubby took the older two kiddos on a hike. I decided to take the baby and do some shopping. Wasn't up for a hike. They had a good time though and enjoyed the beautiful view of the city.

Had a friend and her baby girl over for dinner. The babies weren't quite sure what to do with each other except suck on each others faces. It was very cute.

What else have we been up to? Let's see? My oldest son got 100% on his spelling test this week. Nothing really exciting about that because he usually gets 100%. Yes, I'm bragging.
My daughter got moved up to a new reading group. Bragging, again.
Our baby started crawling around, he's using one of his legs, but he hasn't figured out how to use both of his legs to help him move along.

That's really about all the excitement around here. Well, there's always my anxiety that keeps things fun and exciting. I seriously hope to slay that demon soon, because I've had it with anxiety and depression!
Have a great weekend!

2:57 A.M.

2:57 A.M.
I find myself getting up at very strange hours of the early morning with my little guy.
Seems as though he isn't ready so sleep through the night yet.
As much as I want to complain and cry and pull my hair out, I won't.
I realize that our little ones grow way too fast. Before I know it they'll be off to College.
My oldest son is already 8. I have memories of rocking him to sleep at night when he was a baby.
Now, I'm lucky if I get a hug from him before bedtime each night.
My Mom always said that the time goes by too fast.
I agree.
 Life is good, especially at 2:57 A.M.

Mother's Day 2010

Well, I'm a couple of weeks late in posting this.
These are the beautiful gifts that I got from my children for Mother's Day.

Two gorgeous, hand painted coffee mugs.
Artful potter came out to the childrens' school about a week before Mother's day and all the children got to paint a mug for their Moms.

I couldn't have asked for a better gift.
My daughter wanted to know who's mug I was going to drink my coffee out of first.
I told her I would put half my coffee in her mug and half my coffee in my son's mug.
she was satisfied with that answer.

It's days like these when I miss you the most

Days when my kids won't stop arguing.
Days when I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Days when I want to make enchiladas for my family, but I can never quite seem to get the recipe right and make it as delicious as you used to.
Days when I'm lonely and I just need someone to talk to.
Days when I want to tell you something cute or funny that one of the kids said.
Days when I feel like I'm having a nervous break down and I just need a shoulder to cry on.
Days when I've created something with my own two hands and I want you to know that I really did inherit your creative gene.
Days when I'm nursing my son's broken arm and I want you to tell me how to make it all better.
Days when I hear my unborn baby's heartbeat for the first time and I'm overwhelmed with emotion.
Days when I want to ask you if you see me as a child when you see my Daughter.
Days when I've had a rough day and I want you to comb your fingers through my hair and tell me, " Everything is going to be ok".
Days when I want you to see what a pretty good person I've grown up to be.
Days when people you used to know say, "Wow, you look just like her".
Days when I hear someone playing the piano and it brings tears to my eyes because it makes me think about you and the beautiful music you used to play.
Days when I look down at my hands and for a moment I swear that I see your hands.

Today is that day. Every day is that day.

I miss you every day of my life. I'm so grateful that I had you in my life for 23 years. You were my best friend.

I love you, Mom!

Love always, Your Daughter