It's OK, I'm OK.

I find myself repeating this mantra a lot lately.
My life is busy, sometimes chaotic. I deal with depression on a daily basis, I don't know if depression is a result of some things that happened to me when I was a child, if it's because an imbalance in my brain, or if it's delayed postpartum depress, no matter where it stems from, I know I can't let depression keep me down.
I'm a Mom of 3, I'm a wife,  a friend, a Daughter, Sister and Aunt.
I'm going through a lot of emotional chaos right now.
Am I complaining? I suppose some could view it that way.
I'd like to think that  I'm just  venting.
I live in a rural area, I'm not around any other adults much during the day, so sometimes I guess I do speak without thinking that maybe it could come out as a complaint or frustration.

However, the goods news is that I am aware of this. I'm tired of losing friends and pushing family members away.
I have made a vow to work on myself, my patience, my complaining and just being an overall better person.
It's going well, so far, at least I think so.

Life isn't easy, I don't care who you are. It's never easy.
It is what we make of it and I'm not sure if the upcoming New Year has made me reflect on all these issues I need to work out, or if it's just life in general that has made me contemplate these issues  and made me want to do and be better. What ever the case may be, my children, my husband, family and friends deserve a better "ME". So, I'll give it to them.

Life goes by way too fast and I want to try to enjoy every moment of it that I can. 
When I lost my Mom 16 years ago  in a car accident. I turned to her and I knew in my heart of hearts that she was already gone, but I was hoping that she could somehow be able to hear what I had to say to her. Those words were, "Mom, it's ok. I'm ok." Those were the only words I could force out of my mouth. My mind was spinning but I wanted her to know that her daughter was going to be OK.
So when I find myself in the midst of chaos or when I'm feeling overwhelmed, I'll repeat those words as a reminder that everything is going to be just fine. "It's OK. I'm OK".

Shoe Make Over

Back in May, my Daughter and myself attended an annual Mother's day tea.
The theme was to come dressed as your personality.
After giving much thought to this, I decided that I would be the "Queen Bee" and my Daughter would be a "Honey bee" because she's such a sweetie.

We had fun decorating our hats with flowers & bees. We both wore black & yellow dresses, but we still needed some shoes to match our outfit.

At the last minute, I decided to do some fabric flowers and glue them on our shoes.
We didn't win a prize for our theme, but I was very happy with the overall outcome.

Linking to:
http://makingtheworldcuter.com
http://sewcando.blogspot.com/2011/08/mid-august-craftastic-monday-link-up.html
http://singingthreelittlebirds.blogspot.com/2011/08/inspire-me-monday_15.html
http://itsablogparty.com/show-me-how-8-15-11-frosting-for-the-cause/

Almost time.

It's almost that time again. The time when I wipe tears from my eyes because I find myself thinking about her.
Almost time to try to forget the horrific images I have ingrained in my memory of the day the accident happened.
Time when I reflect on all the good memories I have of her. All the funny memories.

Like the time when we were driving down a busy street and she took the turn a little too fast and her car door flew open which resulted in her purse flying out of the car and plopped onto the middle of the intersection with all her loose change and dollar bills blowing into all the other oncoming vehicles. She just kept screaming, "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, what do I do?" All the while her car door was still wide open and she continued to drive down the road. I screamed back, "Shut your door and pull over!". Then I had to run into the street to get her purse and gather up all of her personal belongings, shoving them back inside her purse as I tried to dodge vehicles who wouldn't stop for me to accomplish this task.

It does bring a smile to my face now, just thinking of her and her clumsy things she would do.
Who is she, you ask?
My Mom.
My beautiful, wonderful, caring , loving Mom.
She was killed in a car accident on April 6, 1996. I saw her die. Right before my eyes, I swear I saw her spirit leave her body.
That day was the most traumatic day of my life. However, it was also one of the most beautiful experiences of my life. I was the last person that she ever saw before she entered into the afterlife. I was the last voice she ever heard. I knew in my heart of hearts that  she was gone, killed instantly. The last words I said to her were, "Mom, it's ok. I'm ok, it's ok." Those were the only words that I could manage to say. I have heard that when a person dies, the last thing to go is their hearing. I wanted my Mom to know that I was ok. I wasn't injured. She could go in peace knowing that her daughter was safe and alive.
A few short days after her death, I had a strange kind of peace about her untimely death. I thought to myself how special it was for me to be with her during her death. She brought me into this world and I was able to be with her when she left this world.

April 6. It's only a few short weeks away. During the early years of her death, usually around 2 weeks before the Anniversary date I would start getting anxious. My Husband will tell you that I was not a person he would want to be near. I would have crying fits, my temper would sometimes become volatile, I would be in a deep state of depression. It was just an awful 2 weeks for me and for anyone else around me.
It wasn't until my Daughter was born that I was able to view the Anniversary in a different way. You see, my Daughter was born in April. She was born on April 26. My life had come full circle for me the day she was born. Instead of dreading the month of April, I now had a reason to celebrate. I celebrate my Daughter's birth, I celebrate the fact that I am a Mom..... of 3! I celebrate that I'm alive and I was able to give life!
I now understand how much my Mom loved me. It is truly a blessing to be a Mom. For me, it's an even more special blessing to be a Mom of a Daughter.
Don't get me wrong, April 6th is still an emotionally difficult day for me, but I try to make the best of it. I choose to remember how she lived life and not how she died.
So yes, it's almost time.
Time to live, time to love, time to laugh. It's time.














Linking to:
Creative Girl
Hodgepodge Friday